Full Circle

For the past few days I have been looking a lot at my life over the past year. Now I don't know if most people do this but I've had some circumstances make me look at my past and figure out exactly what has been and what has become. I have had a lot of changes in my life...some good...some bad but changes none the less.

I graduate on Saturday with my master's degree in social work, something I have been working very hard on for the past few years and needless to say I'm excited about this but there is also an element of sadness. My grandfather passed away this past June and to say we were close is an understatement. He meant more to me than most people in this world ever have and probably ever will. I would have loved nothing more than for him to be able to be there at my graduation.

I have also had a lot of changes in my friendship/relationship department. "A" and I have become a lot closer lately and we are helping each other through some tough times and I think we are going to be better off for it. I told my grandmother last night that I am out of my element when it comes to this relationship because I have never had someone that I share so many values and ideas with. He also treats me better than anyone I have been with in years. I actually feel I can trust him and that he respects me. For me this a big big thing. Thanks to him, I'm also going to go back to church, which is something I haven't done in a long time...probably too long. As far as friendships, to quote my friend SG..."and in the end you always go back to the people who were there for you from the beginning" has been a very true statement for me. I have learned this year that people you thought were your friends will stab you in the back in a heart beat and then will try and be your friend again. I have learned that in the end all people show their true colors. I have learned that those that have been there for you from the beginning will always stay by your side. I have learned that you should trust your gut instinct when it tells you that you shouldn't trust someone. I believe that you should question what you see and never trust just what you hear.

This past year has brought a lot of changes for me and I have learned (usually the hard way) from every single one of them. I am trying hard not to put a wall up against the world but there are times that I think it would be better and easier that way. Thanks God "A" "SG" and "J" keep my sane most of the time. Without people like them and my family in my life I have no idea where I would be. Even though they will probably never read this I would like to thank them for being part of my life.

This and That

So I have some happy news and then of course I have the drama that is apparently required for my life....

Let's start with the good stuff. I have officially finished my internship and I am almost done with the first copy of my thesis paper that is due next week so I am very excited about that. Also, starting Thursday I'm going on vacation and will be in fabulous Las Vegas for the weekend. I honestly can't wait. I've never been and I'm really anxious to see everything.

Okay so now everything else. If you don't remember SS from the previous post, she was the one I'm pretty sure was spreading rumors. So in my defensive way I pretty much quit talking to her with the exception of everyday pleasantries. I must have come off rude because she started questioning why I was acting weird. I did not place blame on her but simply stated that I was tired of all the rumors so I was staying away from everybody. She immediately tells this to other people who are saying it's not her or them saying anything but my other friends. I know she's not brilliant but come on if she can't keep that to her self obviously she can't keep anything else.

So now for the drama with "A". I am starting to realize I'm not doing well with this whole "no commitment" thing. I really thought I could handle it but I'm just flat out NOT. Things are good between us right now but I feel myself over analyzing everything he does or doesn't do. I'm also really starting to get jealous and I hate that but I am so afraid that it is going to end up like my last "relationship" did (see post #1). I want to be able to trust him soooo bad but at the same time I can't help thinking that he has no reason to stay and he has no commitment so there is nothing saying that he couldn't start flirting with other girls possibly my friends and end up with them. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm over reacting but the whole once bitten twice shy thing comes into play and I just can't help it. Part of me wants to talk to him about it but then I'm afraid he will think I am trying to push him into a commitment, which I want but I don't want to push him, and he will not want to see me anymore. I have come to the conclusion that I am entirely way to insecure about things. So right now i just feel stuck.

Random Question

Have you ever had the opportunity to do something that you thought might be fun but at the same time you're a little scared of doing?

I pose this question because I have the opportunity to do just that and I am not entirely sure yet what I want to do. I don't really want to explain the entire situation in a blog but am just looking for basic answers. I have found that I often over analyze everything so other people's opinions are extremely helpful.

So let me know what your thoughts and opinions are.

Stupid people and Rumors SUCK!

If you couldn't tell from the title of this blog I am fed up with people today. I finally got things working out well with guy 2, who we will now call "A" since he is now the only guy in my life, only to have it blow up in my face because of stupid people.

I'll start at the beginning. Last week "A" and I were having a conversation about our weekend plans and I told him that one of my friends wanted me to go out to the club on Friday and then another one wanted me to go out with her on Saturday. I also told him that I didn't think I was going because I didn't feel well. "A" then tells me that he overheard a conversation at our work about how I supposedly act when I go out with my friends. We were not in a place that was appropriate to discuss this so we agreed to talk later. Well being curious after I got home I called the two friends that I had talked about going places with this weekend to find out what this rumor could possibly be. Explicitly telling them that I wanted this to stay between the two of us because I did not want the rumor to be continued. Neither of them knew anything so I waited. "A" finally told me that the rumor was that whenever I go out I like to get falling down drunk and bring home random guys neither of which is remotely true. He thought I was going to be mad but I wasn't because I know it's not true and so do the people who matter in my life.

I again talked to my two friends and told them what happend. The friend that I was supposed to go out with on Friday, we'll call her "SS" asked me who I thought it was saying these things. I ran down a list of people who had ever hung out with me at a club but said that I didn't think any of them would say such a thing or would even know enough about me to make such a judgement call. She then asked me again if I thought it was certain people and I finally told her "I don't know and I really don't care." I did not have any similar conversation with my other friend.

Well I thought that was the end of it but unfortunately not. Last night "A" calls me and is extremely upset. Someone from work came up to him and was angry because they thought "A" told me they had started this rumor. I told "A" that I had never said that I thought it was anyone specific and that I also did not say that he said it was anyone. Basically when it came down to it, he was mad because he felt I was saying things about him.

I am frustrated for several reasons at this point. 1) Why is it that people have nothing better to do than talk about my life? Trust me, I live it, and it's not that exciting. 2) Why is it that people who are supposed to be your friends and whom you can trust always end up screwing you over? I mean come on people we aren't in junior high any more. and 3) It pisses me off that my life is now affected ("A" is not talking to me) by some idiots who like to talk and apparently have no life of their own.

I have two words for people GROW UP!

Contentment for once

Okay, first off I have to say that I am extremely excited that someone other than me actually saw my blog and he actually commented on it. That really made me happy.

For the second then, I decided that I might do something in this blog other than griping all the time so I decided to put some happy thoughts on here.

I guess my first happy thought is things with Guy #2 have gotten back to normal after a short time span of him acting like he really didn't want anything. I thought I handled myself very well and just confronted him about his behavior. I never really got an answer about him backing off but he did start changing his behavior back to the way it was.

My second happy thought is I only have a little over 11 weeks until I graduate with my Master's Degree in Social Work. I know that this would be a happy occasion for many people but for me it is especially good because I have had to deal with a ton of crap from the school I am trying to graduate from and it has finally gotten all worked out.

So in closing, thank you to my one reader and of course I continue to welcome any comments or thoughts anyone has on my crazy life. Until next time....

Again with the confusion

Do people just not understand how other people perceive their actions? Or maybe they just don't care. So I continue to have drama in my life and people continue to confuse the crap out of me. So I will begin my second story and FYI you have to read the first post for this one to make sense.

So guy #1 has been acting very strangely. Mr. "I don't want a relationship" is apparently telling his girlfriend of oh a month that he loves her and went to spent this past weekend meeting her parents who live out of town. However, the confusing part came last weekend when he started getting all nice and almost flirty with me culminating with him asking me to go get drinks with him last Wednesday night. I was SOOO proud of myself because I politely declined. So right now we're doing this whole thing of me not existing whenever the girlfriend is around but us being super nice to each other when she isn't. I am trying to be optimist about this and say maybe he just wants to be friends and that is how he acts towards friends who are girls but I just don't know. I do know that I don't want to be put in the position of being the other woman because that would cross everything I have ever stood for as far as that subject goes.

Okay so guy #2 and I have been seeing each other pretty regularly for the past few months (at least one to two times per week) out side of work. I have been having an awesome time with him even though he still says he is not ready for a relationship. Everything overall is going great but there are times that I just feel that he doesn't have any consideration for me and my feelings. Example one) not too long after we started hanging out consistently his ex-girlfriend(whom he is still somewhat friends with) started blowing up his phone one night while we were hanging out. I'm talking calling him every minute (which she does a lot anyway he just usually doesn't answer). Well this time he did and he asked me not to say anything so she wouldn't know we were together because he didn't want to fight with her. well of course this led to a fight between us and then it totally blew up when he asked me to leave so he could hang out with her since she was going out of town. And might I add this is the same girl that yells at and belittles him every time they talk but yet he still wanted to hang out with her. So eventually I got over that. But this weekend he did something very similar. Sunday is the only day I have to sleep in and he knows that but at 10:30 on Sunday morning I get a phone call waking me up. I was pleasantly suprised to hear his voice that early in the morning and he asked me to come over and watch the football game with him (my team was playing). I, of course, was very excited and immediately got up to take a shower. 20 minutes later my phone rings again and it's him. He tells me that his team's game is being shown up at a local pub and he wants to go up there with his friends instead of watching the game with me but promises to hang out with me later. Needless to say I am not happy about this. We do hang out later and watch another game but his friend from out of town comes over about half way through the game and I feel pretty much ignored. Then after the game I'm expecting to hang out but instead my guy tells me that he is going out with his friend. When I get upset he doesn't understand why, even though we discuss in detail at this point how i felt about being ditched that morning. He doesn't see what the big deal is (or he says he doesn't) since we hung out anyway.

So again, I just don't get it! Anybody who reads this is more than welcome to impart their words of wisom whether I know you or not.

Why

So this is the first time I've ever done a blog and to be honest I'm not even sure why I'm doing it because the likelyhood of someone reading it is nil. However, if it gives me the chance to vent about things then I am all for it.

I decided to start this today beccause I needed a serious way to vent. My education background is in social work and with all of the human behavior and sociology classes and other crap I have had to take you would think that that I would understand the way people choose to act a little better than I do.

In the past month I have been seriously screwed over (in my opinion) by people who are supposed to be my friends and it's pretty much been in the same way both times. I guess I should start from the beginning. Awhile back I started dating a guy, and things were on and off again until about a month ago when he apparently decided to make it permanently "off." His reasoning for it never becoming more than it was has always been "I don't want a serious relationship", and I was okay with that. During our time together we both continued to see other people occasionally, enter into the picture, guy number 2, who also decided doesn't want a serious relationship. The more serious things got with guy 1, the more guy 2 and I became just friends which we were both okay with. Well one of my good friends, knew about all of this. At one point, she also became friends with guy 2 and I guess at some point developed a crush on him. I kind of knew this but blew it off because I trusted her and figured it wouldn't be a big deal. Oh how wrong I was. Well when things with guy 1 and I started going back to the "off" point, guy 2 and I started dating. Things all came to a head when I went over to my friends house. She started out with asking me about the last time I had hung out with guy 2 and all these other questions. Well I started becoming suspicious when she told me that he had come to her house a few weeks before to hang out (neither of them had told me this). So I started asking questions of my own and she ends up telling me that they had messed around but that it didn't mean anything to her because she didn't have feelings for him, she just "liked messing around" and then she told me that he had come over a few days before and they had messed around again. By this point I am extremely upset and she has the nerve to ask me, "You're not mad at me are you? Don't hate me." I mean come on who tells someone that and then honestly expects them not to be mad. Needless to say my friendship with her ended due to that. But I still had to deal with guy 2 and his part in this. So I question him about it and we end up talking and the whole time my friend is trying to call him on his phone and stuff. She tells guy 2 that she never told me that they messed around and then leaves him a voice mail telling him that she wants to tell him all the stuff that I told her. When they talk she tells him that I said "It doesn't matter what you two did, I never really liked him anyway." This was a complete lie and he knew it so we both quit talking to her and continued seeing each other. Which by the way I am very happy with.

So as of today, guy 1 and I have not really been talking for the past month (his version of ending our on again/off again relationship). I should mention we work together and have a similar friendship circle. Well a few months before we ended our "relationship" (i use that term loosely) I noticed him paying a lot more attention to one of our friends. I blew it off because I knew we were still seeing each other and she isn't the type of person to do that to a friend (and for the record she didn't). However, since the guy and i stopped talking, they have been spending more time together and officially began dating about two weeks ago. Now nobody bothered to tell me this like an adult would but it was pretty obvious especially knowing the guy as well as I do. Well tomorrow night our whole group of friends is supposed to hang out and I knew what I was goign to have to handle by going but I deccided to be an adult and suck it up. Today the guy comes to my office and wants to talk. He proceedes to tell me that he and our friend are dating, which I told him I already knew. He also told me he didn't want things to be akward tomorrow night which is why he was telling me. Which means if it wasn't for our get together he wouldn't have. Then he tells me, "I didn't think this is what I wanted (meaning a relationship) but this is the happiest I've been in a long time" Wow, he sure knows how to make a girl feel special.

I guess the point to writing all this has been to vent about the way people act. My point is, is why do people tell you things that they know are going to make you uphappy and then say things like "Don't date me", or "Are you mad?" No i'm freakin peachy let me tell you. I think the thing that hurts the worst is in both of these incidents the girls were supposed to be my friend. The girl in the second situation even critized the girl in the first situation for how she acted. Again, I just don't get people.

Well that is the end of my venting for now. Maybe the next time my blog won't be so long and confusing. To anyone who reads this thank you for letting me express my heart and mind and I welcome any feedback.